april fool’s day

Recent Articles

Developers Request Changes to Columbia Park

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The developers of the upcoming Art Color housing project have requested a last-minute change before breaking ground this Summer. That request… switching Columbia Park’s football field back to its original east to west orientation. According to Dunellen Recreation Commissioner Miles Alexander, the switch would allow some of the new residents to view the football games from their balconies. This amenity would allow premier pricing for the soon-to-be-available townhouses edging the park, potentially resulting in bidding wars and bringing up home values town-wide. Continue Reading →

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Water Treatment To Include New Additive

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water alert drop

An announcement went out to Dunellen residents this morning regarding a new additive to their water supply. The additive, a bitter, white crystalline purine, would not change the taste or appearance of the water. However, according to the U.S. Water Corporation (USWC) spokesperson Hu Sreedinthiz, “those drinking the tap water would feel more alert and energetic.” This is because the additive, a methylxanthine, increases basal metabolic rate in adults and stimulates certain portions of the autonomic nervous system. Sreedinthiz admitted the inclusion of the methylxanthine was a result of changing trends. Continue Reading →

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New Use for Columbia Park Football Field This Summer

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Cover of lawn bowling rule book published in 1896 available through the Library of Congress.

This summer, the Dunellen High School’s football field at Columbia Park will have an additional use, as a lawn bowling court. Head of the Dunellen Recreation Commission, Miles Alexander, stated in a press release issued on March 32, “Because space is limited in Dunellen, everything must do triple-duty. The field was recently used for our Easter Hunt with great success. We knew there had to be another way to use this hundred yards of grass.” According to Alexander, it was Loof Lirpa, a Recreation board member and Second Vice President of the Dunellen Historical Society, who originally made the suggestion of lawn bowling as the field’s summer use. Continue Reading →

Filed under: Dunellen, april fool's day, satire

End of Era: Rome Pizza to stop selling plain slices

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Starting next week, Rome Pizza will no longer be selling plain cheese pizza. Citing new food trends and lack of demand for simple ingredients, owner John Confalone said that he would now only be selling pizzas with at least two toppings. “Yes, we were named the best pizzeria in Central Jersey but no one wants to eat what their parents and grandparents grew up eating.” Confalone said.”More is more. People want to be overwhelmed by flavors.” Continue Reading →

Filed under: Dunellen, april fool's day, satire